Networking

Shy Person’s Guide to Saying No

June 27, 2017 By Marta Goertzen

Some people find it difficult to say no when a request is made of them.

Here is my shy person’s dilemma.

The professional group I belong to puts on great programs. Nice people attend. I always learn something. So why do I dread attending?

At the end of every meeting one or another of the officers takes me aside and asks me to be on the Board. They point out that I attend regularly, seem to know everyone and have good ideas for the future.

“You seem to understand how to do marketing so maybe you could be the PR head?”

I smile politely and try to step away.

I know. I know. I should step out into the community and get more involved. But I don’t want to be on another board right now. My business is booming. Every minute away from the business and my clients seems like a distraction. Besides, I think I have finally found a good work / life balance.

How do I say no?

Right now I just mumble something under my breath and excuse myself to get a fresh drink or talk to someone else. That feels wrong. I am avoiding the opportunity to say no.

Saying no does not mean you are a bad person. You are not being unkind, rude or selfish. If you are like me, you dread disapproval.

Saying no is a blessing. It can be an opportunity. Just like saying yes more often can open new horizons you never thought to explore, saying no can be an opportunity to focus.

Sometimes you just have to say no. Even shy people.

Here are some tips to saying no:

Be true to yourself. Know what you want so you can fairly evaluate the request. Perhaps you should say yes.
Give the request a bit of consideration before saying no. This avoids hurt feelings. You don’t want people to think you blew them off but you do want to control your time. This doesn’t mean saying, “I’ll think about it” then never getting back. This means pausing for a moment as if you are considering it then saying no.
Once you decide, make it short and sweet. Say it fast and clear with a smile on your face. Then shut up. The more you blather about with excuses, the weaker your “no” sounds, leaving room for the other person to press you to change your mind.
Plan your response in advance so you know what to say when the opportunity comes. In fact, you can plan a generic response to have handy if you need it. Something like, “Thank you for the consideration but I am simply buried right now.” Then shut up.
Be as nice as you can. Have a pleasant but concerned smile on your face when you say it. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so take the high road and be nice.
Package your “no” with some flattery. “I am honored that you would consider me for this important role. I really appreciate your consideration but…”
Offer another alternative. Is there something else you can do for the organization / person other than what was asked? “I would love to support your organization in a different way.”
Change the subject or walk away to end the conversation. This might avoid that awkward shock when the other person expected you to say yes.

I will be testing these ideas myself the next time I go to that professional meeting. In the meantime, let me know if these tips helped bring you peace!

Here are some helpful references:

How to say no to anyone (even a good friend)

How to stop saying yes when you want to say no

The Ultimate guilt-free guide to saying no

10 Guilt-free strategies for saying no

3 ways to nicely say no without feeling guilty – this article has great examples!

If you are shy or introverted there is no shame in that but it may be blocking you from getting the career you want. There is help for you! Get your free copy of the “7 Tips for Career Success for the Shy Person” and begin to step out, beyond these barriers, onto a new career path today.

Shy Person’s Guide to Information Interviews

May 19, 2017 By Marta Goertzen

You need to do information interviews when you’re seeking a new career.

I wonder what a Process Engineer does? I wonder what is involved in being a Product Manager? What is that “Coding” I keep hearing about?

When you find yourself asking, “I wonder…” you know it is time to get more information.

We call those kinds of discussions “information interviews”. Talking to an expert about something you are interested in. A way to confirm or deny a point of view. Gathering information from others to help you reach a conclusion about your life.

Sometimes asking Google just isn’t enough. Sometimes you just have to talk to an expert. Especially in situations involving your career.

Easy enough to say but hard to put into action.

I have clients right now who balk at the idea of talking to someone about career options.

Laura is killing herself at a project manager job in a consulting firm focused on training and development. She thinks being a Human Resource Business Partner would be a good use of her skills. But she doesn’t have time and is very shy about talking to people she doesn’t know.
Chantel wants out of her data analytics management role but she is not sure how her skills translate to Marketing Product Manager. The thought of talking to someone about what they do makes her quake.

I am pretty knowledgeable about many careers so I can give guidance but I am not a substitute for talking with someone who is actually doing the job.

Why is it so hard for shy people to talk to gather this information? I can speak from my own experience.

I like to tell people I would rather pick up dog poop in the front yard than pick up the phone to talk to someone I don’t know. It feels like an imposition. I am not sure what to say. I am not sure why anyone would want to talk to me anyway.

The answer is just figure out a way to do it in a manner you can handle.

It got easier for me through repetition. I just gutted through and forced myself to do it often enough that, although I still blanch a bit, I can do it.

Here are some tips that might help you:

Email can be a less scary way to talk to people. Use our Networking Guide for Job Search Success to create your own email networking process that turns strangers into friends. You can still ask your questions but you won’t be making cold calls. You will be making warm calls. By the time you get to a coffee meeting you will feel like the other person is almost a friend.
Set realistic goals. Build up your “networking” strength by making one call per day or maybe even one call a week. Set a time every day (or week) that you will force yourself to pick up the phone. Then give yourself a reward for achieving this small but very difficult goal.
Use a script to reach out. You will feel more confident if you feel prepared. Plan out what the other person might say and how you would respond. Know exactly what you want to ask – a meeting or a simple question about the other person’s career.
Avoidance is still an option for extremely shy people. You won’t get as much out of the information but it is better than guessing. Do your research online using Google and LinkedIn. The reference librarian at your local library could be a great source of information.

Here is how it worked out for my clients:

Laura is lucky in that I am very familiar with the Human Resource Business Partner role. I am the expert she can talk to! She plans to avoid networking by using LinkedIn to connect with people associated with HR Business Partner jobs posted online.
Chantel will read many job descriptions then look at LinkedIn profiles of people who hold the job “Product Manager” to see how those folks describe their jobs. Then she will start adding those folks as LinkedIn connections using the Networking Guide as her model.

These three shy folks found unique ways to get the information they need with less stress. Sometimes a workaround is just what is needed!

If you are shy or introverted there is no shame in that but it may be blocking you from getting the career you want. There is help for you! Get your free copy of the “7 Tips for Career Success for the Shy Person” and begin to step out, beyond these barriers, onto a new career path today.

Shy Persons Guide to Networking

April 11, 2017 By Marta Goertzen

Networking is difficult for most people but if you’re shy it can feel impossible.

Laura is really good at her job. In fact, Laura can do anything she puts her mind to. She has a list of accomplishments a mile long. But she is dreadfully unhappy at her job in a fast paced consulting firm. She feels like folks walk all over her because she is so nice and so good at her job.

Finding joy in your work starts with knowing what you want. Laura knows what she wants. She wants:

1) To get out of her current company.

2) To translate her experience into human resources.

Both are eminently doable.

There are several ways to find the job that brings you joy. Responding to advertisements is sort of like taking pot luck. You might find the right job or you might not, depending on which organization responds to your resume.

Folks trying to change careers, even a little, usually get better results from networking. Their resumes don’t always appear like an obvious fit with just a cursory glance. Networking allows you to check out the fit before you get too far into the search. Less pot luck, more pick.

If you are a shy person like Laura, finding joy in your work can be a problem. If you are lucky, you find job in the job you have. You get enough positive feedback and rewards to make a life. If you are a shy person like Laura and want to leave your job, you have a problem.

The minute I said the n-word – networking, Laura died a little inside. You see, Laura is a shy person. She is wonderful one-on-one or in small groups. She can even speak in front of groups as long as she is confident in her topic and knows enough people in the room to be comfortable. But don’t ask her to network.

What is networking after all?

According to the Business Dictionary, networking is “creating a group of acquaintances and associates and keeping it active through regular communication for mutual benefit.” This means talking to people you don’t know well. Laura and other shy people just HATE that. But it must be done if one is to avoid taking pot luck in the career game.

I come to these observations naturally, from personal experience. Here are some tips for networking for shy people:

Start small. Build off of your current network of people you know very well. Start by asking questions. Ask them what they do and what their company is like. After a while it will get easier to talk to people you do not know.
Figure out questions that will get the other guy talking. When they are talking you are not. This takes the pressure off of you to carry the conversation, something that is very hard for shy people. Early in my career I would prepare for days to identify potential questions, sports references or news highlights I could use to get other people talking.
Talk professional to professional about topics in which you have a great deal of confidence. For example, if you are an HR person interested in talent development, talk to other HR people about talent development. You will feel confident and look impressive because it is a topic in which you are knowledgeable.
Ask people you know well to make an introduction to someone else. Or give you the name of someone else you can talk to. It will be less scary if you can, “Tom suggested I connect with you”.
Use LinkedIn. LinkedIn is networking for shy people. All your interactions can be done on email which is normally less intimidating than telephone or in-person.

The trick for shy people is to set manageable goals. Don’t force yourself to do more than you are capable or comfortable doing. With that said, doing nothing is not an option. Set realistic meaningful daily, weekly and monthly goals that will move you forward towards your goal.

If you are shy or introverted there is no shame in that but it may be blocking you from getting the career you want. There is help for you! Get your free copy of the “7 Tips for Career Success for the Shy Person” and begin to step out, beyond these barriers, onto a new career path today.

What IS the difference between being shy and being an introvert?

January 9, 2017 By Marta Goertzen

Is your Shyness holding you back in Your Career?

I think back many years and remember a very specific time…

College graduation was the next day. It was over! My four years at Northwestern University were exciting, stimulating, and such hard work. I was excited for the future. I was proud of myself!

The last event before graduation ceremonies was the History Department celebration at the Chairman’s house. I found a parking space across the street. But I could not move. I could not open the door. I could not imagine walking up the steps and knocking on the door. I could not imagine saying hello to all those classmates and professors.

I was paralyzed with fear. I drove off in humiliation.

The next day at graduation I saw my parents leaning over the balcony shouting and pointing at the program. I waved back then looked at the program to figure out the excitement. I had won Departmental Honors for my honors thesis! I would have known this had I attended the celebration the night before. If, I had the courage to get out of the car.

I share this event, burned into my head so many years ago, to illustrate the debilitating impact of shyness. I am a shy person. I am also an introvert. They are not the same although we might use the terms interchangeably.

The term, introvert, and its counterpart, extrovert, refer to the way we get energy.

An interesting blog at Behavioral Health indicates that extroverts get energy from others while introverts enjoy time alone. That is how they recharge. Introverts need less simulation than extroverts. They prefer smaller groups. They like to think before they speak – there is a lot going on up there – and are often characterized as good listeners.

Shy people can be introverts or extroverts. Shyness includes a fear of negative judgement by others. The key is fear. Shyness is a response rather than a state of being.

Susan Cain, author of the well- known book, Quiet, says, “Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating.”

Cain shares this example: If asked to a party, the introvert thinks about whether she wants to expend the energy. The shy person thinks about how others will perceive her. One will stay home from the party from preference, the other from fear.

I am an introvert. After giving presentations or public speaking I usually need a nap.

I am also a shy person. Before going to a presentation or public speaking event I worry that I will humiliate myself. Shyness can get in the way!

This “shy” gremlin has been with me forever. But it does not control my life. I forced myself to learn techniques and tricks that allow me to overcome this gremlin or at least tell it to sit down and shut up!

Many of our Interview Doctor clients are introverts and many are shy. I can tell by the way they respond when I suggest they network. “Oh, I could never do that! What would I say? No one wants to listen to what I have to say.” The calling card of a shy person.

When I hear that I think back to my experience at college. I did the hard work. I was fearless in my research. I got the recognition but I was terrified anyway. Of what? Not sure. Just terrified.

Success in the modern world can be defined many ways – money, recognition, awards, maybe having a positive effect on the world. All those ways of defining success require pulling up your big kid pants and doing things that terrify you to achieve goals you set for yourself.

You define the goals. You do the hard work. You accept the reward. What do you want and what are you willing to do to get it?

Shy people, follow me! We are off on an adventure!!

Welcome to the Shy Person’s Guide to Success!

Stay tuned for more articles in our “Shy Person’s Guide” series tips this year. You truly are not alone!

In the meantime, download a copy of our “7 Tips to Career Success for the Shy Person”. Enter your name and email below to get your copy.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place: What to do When the Money Runs Out

March 8, 2016 By Marta Goertzen

I like to tell people I’ve been laid off more times than most and always land on my feet. My secret: I plan well, save a lot, and never assume that this job is my last. Most of all I think I am lucky.

This recession was hard. Plenty of folks lost their jobs. It is particularly hard on people who hoped they would stay at their jobs for the rest of their lives. They built their lives around job and salary expectations that turned out to be flimsier than they hoped. They floundered when faced with foreign job search methods. Always too busy to step away for lunch they had no contacts and were unprepared to network. The money only lasts so long.

What is a person supposed to do when the money runs out between a rock and a hard place?

Here are some tips based on what I have done and what I have seen other people do, not in any particular order:

Find temporary work to pay the essential bills (food, housing and utilities). Deliver pizza at night if you have to.
Explore consulting. I know people who write grants or perform portions of big projects outsourced by large companies. Project work can lead to more project work, more contacts, and leads for full time positions.
Contact temporary agencies. There are temporary agencies that specialize in professionals too. These firms are no longer only for clerical or production workers.
Set aggressive networking goals to stay active and visible in the marketplace. If you previously had a goal to have two meetings a week, increase your goal to five meetings a week then start digging to find people willing to meet with you.
Be sure you have a job search marketing plan and update it regularly.
Become an expert on the new way of networking. Have something to offer or something to talk about to get the other person talking. Don’t just ask if the other person knows about a job. That is a sure conversation-killer. Read about your field then ask new contacts questions to provide a reason to meet.
Utilize LinkedIn more thoroughly. Make more connections. Set goals to double your connections then start posting interesting articles and commenting in LinkedIn Groups to increase your credibility and visibility.
Start your own blog. Write about your experiences and opinions. Turn your layoff into an adventure. You can help other people.
Simplify your life. Sell off extra “stuff” to lighten your load and bring in some cash. All that extra stuff lying around just weighs you down and makes you feel bad.
Significantly reduce your expenditures. Bake bread instead of buying it. It is easy and tasty. Grow a vegetable garden for extra food. Clean your own house, do your own gardening and wash your own windows. Cancel cable tv and stop downloading books to your Kindle / Nook and go to the library instead.
If you have kids at home and the money ran out take advantage of what remains of the social safety net.
Volunteer. This makes you feel better and gets you out in the community. See what help they need at the local food bank or the local school. Volunteer for a committee in your professional association. You have to be at the meetings anyway to network so why not volunteer to increase your visibility and connections?

The recession is over, technically, but we all know people still having trouble. What other ideas do you have for our friends between a rock and a hard place? Share your thoughts with a comment or in our LinkedIn Group, Job Search Check-up.